Who's more Indie than whom?

I'm SO tired of living here.


I thought Colorado would be a great place to live, but the more time passes, the more I'm not so sure about it. Can the terrific weather really outweigh all the other things I find lack-luster about Denver? Maybe it happens to be the people I'm surrounded by, but people here don't seem very authentic... nor very genuinely kind. Is it just me? Is it like this in my hometown as well, where every 20-something is all about being "indie"? Like who's wearing the strangest (ugliest) outfit... or has the funkiest (but really they're all the same) haircut... or listens to the most underground (annoying) music... and is completely infatuated with themselves and their image (they all are). The sad thing about this is my girlfriend is on the fringe of this scene, and it makes me want to explode. It's not so much that I don't like independent films or appreciate off-the-wall music... and it's not that I can't appreciate the artistry of an asymmetrical haircut with a panel of fuchsia peeking out of the bottom. It's just the same old story of your tradition click straight out of high school... only this time it's even more pathetic because these people are suppose to possess a little more maturity. At least, in my humble opinion. Don't they realize they're all the fucking same?? When you're all the same, you're no longer unique. Am I wrong? Is it Denver? Am I just getting old and crotchety? I know I need to find some friends here already, but that's not news. The old lesbian crew is... well... getting old. And when I say getting old I mean tired. I'm over them... the drinking, the partying, the burlesque! What the hell??? Does anyone else out there (women specifically) think it's a little questionable to go out and watch your FRIEND undress and flap her chichis around in circles?!? I just do not think that's okay. Sure, friend, go out and take your clothes off to music, but I don't wanna watch it. Nor do I want my girlfriend watching either. Why isn't anything sacred anymore? I understand I'm a little more on the conservative side, but does anyone else out there believe that burlesque is merely watered-down porn? You want entertainment... how about a good drag show. Let's get together for karaoke (I'll watch)... Seriously, 30 years old and playing drinking games at a BBQ is not attractive to me. Partying and getting drunk is not my idea of a perfect Saturday evening. I want substance. I want conversation. I want to enjoy the finer things in life... a good meal, a (and I stress A) refreshing cocktail on a friend's porch, maybe a stroll in the park, ... okay, so I sound old and boring. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm too boring for my girlfriend, too. We had a huge cry-fest last night. Thinking maybe we're not going to work out after all. I love her and desperately want things to sort themselves out... find some peace and balance in our life together. I just find the more time passes, the more I get to know her, the more I realize I don't know her at all... that or she's pushing. I wonder sometimes if she's pushing, and by pushing I mean not being willing to compromise, OR compromising but doing so only to make me happy... which in the end, doesn't make me happy because then she's holding onto resentment. Such a tricky thing this life is becoming. Have I mentioned how I don't feel like I can be myself around her? How I express the things I like or want to do and get the kind of response that says "can't you just try to be someone else?" Have I also expressed that I'm uncomfortable with her drinking? And get this -- she told me last night during the cry-fest that she curbs her drinking around me. WHAT? So in other words, she'd drink more?? How much is more than almost every night? I guess it would be every night... and maybe to drunkenness. I'm so discouraged about S and me. I want a partner who shares the same values as me, who doesn't need to drink everyday after work in order to relax, who can share their feelings without it feeling like torture, who is willing to compromise because it will make us both happy, who is willing to open to a little self-reflection and always striving to be a better person.


*pause to take the pooch out*


So S is out again without me. We haven't been doing much together lately. She seems more happy out with friends doing whatever she wants instead of being with me. Not that I blame her. She is not easy to 'tame'... but I hesitate to use that word. Have you ever felt that the person you first met in your partner turned out to not be quite the person you thought? Of course they'd show you the best parts, the parts that would attract you to them... not their wild side if you're more easy-going, not their conservative side if you're more liberal, etc. S is a good person. I feel the need to clear that up. She is loyal (is there such thing as being too loyal?); she is affectionate; she is accepting of my physical imperfections; she makes an effort at times; she is generally helpful; she can be thoughtful when it counts; she claims to not be the sort to speak poorly about me to anyone--and I believe her. I've recently been kindly reminded by a friend that you can't change people... something I ironically told her a while back. This is something I know but often forget. I won't be able to change S. Take her for who she is... or don't. Same goes for me. Thing is, I don't know what is going wrong in our relationship any more. I don't know what she needs that she isn't getting from me... is it more fun? more sports? less talking about emotions? more understanding? What exactly does it mean when someone says "I don't feel like I can be myself around you"? I ask though I've said the same thing... still, what does it mean? How am I suppose to react when she finally walks in the door of our home after she's been out all afternoon, evening and night of doing I don't know what... drinking, riding her motorcycle without wearing her helmet (which I've begged and pleaded for her to do), partying with people I don't like, partying with people I don't know, watching our friend strip and twirl her titties in S's face, drinking and riding,... Do I greet her with a hug and smile? Do I give her the cold shoulder? Do I approach her with my true feelings of sadness and disappointment? I couldn't feel further from her than I do right now. It's Saturday night, neither of us work tomorrow, the weather is gorgeous, my phone hasn't made a peep all night, she's out and I'm at home with the computer and the dog. I get the impression she's just not that into me (to steal the title of that one book). A couple quotes from her from last night: "I don't even know why we're still together." "This is my home." (in response to my missing minnesota)

When is it time to leave? Will I regret it if I do? Why are the answers so foggy?