In Divine Grace

"After divine chaos, always comes divine grace." -Desiree Marin

In the wake of this relationship end, many things have become so clear to me... things that were really there all along, but things I chose to ignore for the past two years. The relationship itself WAS pure chaos. S was always bad for me... she was never right, but I tried to convince myself otherwise. What is right about being with someone who makes you doubt yourself, even in your sleep? What is right about arguing everyday? Crying everyday? What is right about manipulation and guilt and nastiness and plain old cruelty? I didn't feel uplifted... I felt suppressed. I didn't feel loved... I felt loathed. I didn't feel beautiful... I felt unattractive. And the reality of it is that I stayed around for all of it. I knew she couldn't give me what I deserved, but I stayed. I stayed and gave up every ounce of my self-esteem. I made excuses for her, for the lack of everything in our relationship. In the end, I left myself with nothing and was angry with myself for that. I was angry at her for taking all of those things, yes, but I was more angry at myself for giving to someone who wasn't deserving. S was so incredibly bad for me that I found me beating myself up for letting it get to this point... for not taking the control over my own life sooner.

The truth of the matter is that I'm moving on from the pain. I'm realizing that I'm still the same beautiful, intelligent, caring woman I've always been. That she didn't take those things away from me... they're still mine... that's still me. E. I have so much peace in my life right now... having moved out from those walls scarred with the memories of a suppressive relationship. Time will erase the little things, they've already begun to fade -- like the sound of her voice, the smell of her skin... faded. I like that. I like what time can heal.

I believe in what's around the corner. I love being free. I can already see that this was just a minor speed bump in my life. God's gentle reminder to not settle for less than what I deserve in life... to keep on taking care of myself, because I'm capable of that... to create my life the way I want it and if that allows someone else to fit in, great... if not, that's okay. Never again will I settle for manipulation, dishonesty, lack of integrity, inability of introspection, confusion or profound immaturity. There's not room in my life for those qualities, especially in my partner. I would rather be single, happy and healthy. Doesn't that sound so much nicer?! :-)