Anger: Part of the Process

*Warning about what you're about to read: I have some things I need to get off my chest here, and they probably won't be too nice or pretty but grief is not pretty. For some fucked up reason, my heart still belongs to S, and I want that to be known... but she has betrayed me, manipulated me, lied to me. For those reasons, I am angry and believe I do have the right to be.

Yes, I am fucking angry. S lied to my face... not once, not twice but many times... and for many months.

We were having, what I thought was, a good heart-to-heart after I came back from MN but before the big break up and her moving out. Now keep in mind that she told me throughout our relationship that it just wasn't really in her make up to cheat... which of course should have been a signal to me in the first place. Any time someone TELLS you something like that, it usually means they're trying to convince you of something. But in her defense, I have been cheated on before and was very paranoid about it happening again, and she was probably trying to reassure me. It worked for a really long time. I trusted her. So we're having this talk, and S brings something up. She says she's had a wandering eye in previous relationships, not that anything ever happened but she would look. Okay... ? Then she says that with us, with me, in our relationship it's been different... that she's never looked, because I was exactly what she wanted. About an hour later, she gets in the shower to supposedly go meet up with her family who's camping for the weekend. But before she gets in the shower, we're standing in the hallway and her phone beeps. A text message. She says "oh it's T (her big brother who shares her love of jack daniels)" and then proceeds to read me what his message says... "come early, I've got plenty of jack". S tells me maybe she'll leave tonight instead of in the morning to clear her mind and spend some time with her family. I say okay. She gets in the shower. When she gets out is when I ask her about C (previous post goes into more detail)... she does in fact have feelings for her. A tangled web she is weaving. I find out later that the text message she got was from C. Another lovely lie.

S told me a while ago that she wanted to set C up with her brother, but then decided a day later that C wasn't good enough for T. Now look.

S talked lots of trash about her friends who would chase "straight" or "bi" or "confused/curious" girls, saying that it's only asking for heartbreak... saying what are they thinking?? Now look at her.

S told me the reason we were breaking up was because she needed to work on her issues and didn't want to drag me down while she did that. This was as she began dating C (IMMEDIATELY upon our break-up).

S told me a text message I found to C in her phone several weeks before the break-up saying "I hear I have some competition" was just a joke about... blah blah blah. All lies!

She encouraged me to make an appearance at the women's event at Pride, asked if I was going, knew I was there and STILL showed up with C... totally throwing her in my face. Then proceeded to say "it's not like that". YES! It fucking is like that. I'm not a fool for her lies any more.

She fucking lied to my face when she said she was committed to me, to us. I expressed my concern about coming back from MN and not having a girlfriend. She lied when she reassured me that she wasn't going anywhere, that everything would be okay and not to worry about it at all.

I hate her for all of this. She's been deceitful and conniving and manipulative and completely selfish. She is so ugly to me. We shared two years together, and S has treated our relationship and me with no regard and no respect. She is a sad, lost soul who is reckless with people's hearts and minds. Not once has she apologized to me. She can't stand up and be the bigger person. She probably never will own all that she has done. She's just as bad, if not worse, than all those others who have stepped on me. She was a wolf in sheep's clothing. I gave her everything I had. I gave her everything I am. She took and took. I've never felt so bad. I've never felt so blind-sided. I've never felt so manipulated and abused and completely unimportant and easily replaced by ANYONE in my life. Who the hell is S? Why did she do this?

I did not deserve this. No matter how much trouble we had in our relationship... no matter how much we fought... it didn't have to be like this. I'm a valuable human being with a pure, generous heart. I deserve to be treated with respect.