A new blog... a new day...

Technically, it's not a new day, but figuratively, it is... or can be.

You see, I've decided that the least amount of contact between S and me is best for my soul, for my healing. I told her that. I also sent her an email asking if she could please store her bike (motorcycle) at her new home or somewhere else... that I'm not comfortable having it here, and that if she has no other option that she can leave it here but to please not come by to pick it up or drop it off unless she knows for certain that I'm not going to be here. I just feel it's a bit awkward to be coming by so frequently. This city is big enough for the both of us, but I need space of my own. I only ask that that space be respected. It's not too much to ask for. Well, she never responded to that email. She also never responded to a text I sent to her a week ago saying that I really want the dog back. This whole situation has become such a huge mess, and I think it's better for all parties involved for everything, every tie, to be cut... at least for a healthy period of time. I continue to feel manipulated by her words, so I need to place myself in a spot where I don't have to hear them or read them.

I know I'm a good person with a pure heart. I'm not being unreasonable to ask for the things I need. The tools that I used to have for preserving my self-esteem and worth are rusty. I need a little help in cleaning them off. This is my time to focus on me and the things I need in my life. I shouldn't apologize for anything... I shouldn't doubt myself.

So when S responds to my text about having the dog back with "this doesn't have to be dramatic. I'd be more than happy to meet for coffee to talk. I don't want to communicate via text. when is a good time to chat?"... I am able to recognize that she is trying to manipulate me again. There is nothing to sit down and talk about, especially over coffee. In fact, I think coffee would be inappropriate at this time. I'm not being dramatic, but there is real pain and loss after the ending of a committed relationship. I refuse to pretend otherwise. I cannot and will not be her friend... not now... not any time soon. I'm not saying romantic relationships can't end with great friendships... but those are the rare circumstances. Those situations occur usually when either the break-up was mutual and/or respectful and/or great care and concern is given towards the other person and/or some time has passed. When things unravel the way they did for us... the way that wound was ripped apart with lies and shredded with deceit... it makes one not as apt to approach with open arms. I will not do that to myself. Clearly, I have shown her over the last couple years how much disrespect I will tolerate, but now it's time I regain my respect and stop allowing her (and anyone else, for that matter) to push me around. The trick is learning how to do that without pushing people away. I think a lot of us struggle with that -- with the balance of tolerating imperfect behavior from others while maintaining our self-respect.

My mind is clearing up... slowly but surely. From all of this, I will be better in the end.