The thing is, for a long time, I couldn't quite put my finger on what exactly was going on in my relationship with S. Why I always felt like shit... why I cried on a daily basis... why I never felt good enough... why I was so isolated from life... why happiness seemed like a distant memory. I worked really hard; I gave it (and her) everything I had... every tool in the shed. Of course, like every relationship, it was "perfect", "blissful", "ecstatic" in the beginning. She was cute and sweet and charming and romantic... she said all the right things, did all the right things, left me loving messages everywhere I turned, showed me tons of affection... oh yeah, I was the sunshine of her life. I was the one she spotted across the street as she said to herself "I want that girl to be mine". I returned the love, the affection, the adoration, the right words, the right actions, the hugs and kisses, everything! We were on cloud nine and nobody could knock us down.
Or were we?
The thing is, S told me from the very beginning that she wasn't good enough for me. And to be painfully honest, she was right. ((I know that sounds harsh, but let me explain something... I don't believe people are inherently bad... but when someone tells you who they are, you should believe them. If she truly believed she wasn't good enough, then she wasn't.) I even knew it then, but the voice inside me was ignored. I ignored that soft, quiet, little voice deep within me. In my defense, she was the first girl in a LONG time I was attracted to. I had heard her name from friends but had never met this elusive girl... not that it really mattered to me at the time. I was meeting people, making friends, enjoying myself and my happiness. I was fine being single, because I had high standards and wasn't going to settle for just any slouch simply because I felt the need to attach myself to someone. In fact, I wasn't too impressed with her the first time I saw her out -- granted, I was more hung over than I've probably ever been and desperately wanted to just go home -- but she didn't really grab my attention. It was actually her watch that I noticed. I thought to myself, oh that's a unique watch, cute style. It wasn't until I read a comment she left on my friend's myspace page that my interest was really peaked. She said something along the lines of "do you think e would be my myspace friend, too?" I was like who is this girl who wants to be my friend but won't ask me? So I sent her a message. We became "friends", and I checked out her page. There were some pictures of her and her artwork. I've always had an affinity for artists (duh!), and there was a photo of her on a motorcycle (which I've also always had an affinity for). She was pretty cute, and I was flattered that this girl seemed interested, but I still wasn't completely sold. My next trek down to Denver from the mountains was when I found myself interested. I was hanging out at the bar with my friend, N. We were laying low as our friends trickled in. That was when S came walking in with her friend... they were holding hands. It was really nothing, or so I thought. (Ironic how clear life can be when you have a little distance... I'm now sure there was something going on between them, knowing how S can be, how dependent she is on female companionship/flirtation/dating/etc. I'm even a little embarrassed to admit now that I believed S when she told me they were just friends, especially knowing how angry that girl got when S and I started dating... women don't get that angry unless there's something sexual between them. Oh, hind's sight... gotta love it.) Anyhow, when S walked in, I said to my friend, N, "I think I might actually have a little crush on someone, finally". N said she thought S might be interested in me, too. The door was officially open. As the night unfolded, we found the courage -- brought upon by liquids, of course -- to dance together, closely, intimately, and then we spent the rest of the night annoying our friends by proceeding to make out until bar close. I was intoxicated... by her, not the alcohol. She sent me a sweet message immediately after we parted and another one at the crack of dawn when she got up to work the next morning. I did refrain from staying with her that night -- I had to maintain a little self-respect.
We were in VERY close touch after that... things were rolling. Then came the big reveal. She said it on one of our first dates up in Vail. S told me she didn't feel good enough... she didn't feel good enough to be with me, that I was better than her. She made another revealing comment about her feeling insecure about me leaving her for a man. (Are you making note of all these ironies? It's really something when you put it all together.) Once again, I ignored that little voice inside me... that voice that said this girl has very little self-esteem and this could be a rough road ahead. But I didn't want to hear it, I guess. I thought my happiness, my positivity, my strength could uplift her. Who did I think I was??
Well, things progressed quickly in the relationship. Even the fighting. This whole love affair began at the very end of July, and we had already had a couple misunderstandings by my birthday Sept 2nd. Now, I'm not one to argue... never really have been. I'm fairly easy to get along with... I CAN be strong-willed, but I'm generally pretty agreeable. Major fighting isn't a pattern in my past relationships. Everyone has their share of spats now and then but not like this. I had never before felt so pushed to guilt, sadness... and anger. Anger isn't something I've really been familiar with in my life. It would take a lot to get me angry. I guess time after time of being blamed for things, of being ignored, of being completely misunderstood, of being MANIPULATED... one tends to get a little angry.
Which brings me to what my friend said in her message. We'll call her LC. LC sent me a message asking how I was doing? In an effort to spare her the details but not wanting to deny my truth, I simply said something along the lines of: I gotta be honest, I'm sad... S kicked me in the emotional nuts... but I'd rather feel the pain now than ignore it and pretend to be happy like some people might do. Then I got the most amazing response from LC... it was a lengthy, compassionate, empathetic message saying (edited somewhat due to length): "I'm not sure exactly what happened between you two but from what it sounds like is that she messed with your head a little too much. you never saw it coming because she knew how to manipulate and break you down so much to the point that you don't even realize that you are being messed with. And when you love someone like you loved s it's hard to say good bye to the situation initially because you really do care for that person and love them and in a way feel sorry for them. But the sad part is people don't change no matter how much you care or love them...they always continue to manipulate and mess with your emotions because they know exactly what to do to get you to stay...it's almost like they will push your limits as far as they can because in their heads they feel...no matter how bad they hurt you, if you continue to stay with them then it must be love. Does that make sense? it's not you...it's the person doing that to you that has a warped theory about what love really is and that person some how has to figure out how to break that cycle. But until they can realize why they do what they do, the cycle won't break until they are willing to take a good hard look at themselves and make the changes they need to make in a positive way. I have no doubt s loved you, but her way of loving is not what is healthy and what is right. you weren't in any way, shape or form, dumb or stupid for not seeing it happening...you did what you felt like you needed to do while you were in the situation and that is what life is about..."
LC is SO right!!! S does have a warped view of what love is. She clearly doesn't love herself and probably never has. She has lept from relationship to relationship with hardly a breath in between. She doesn't take time to look at herself or clear her mind, and I can only imagine it's because she can't... she won't. It would be too much work. I'm now realizing how lost she truly is. I was caught in S's repetitive relationship path. I can only imagine the details she left out about the time she spent between myself and her ex before me... the constant dating, ignoring her emotions by drinking and partying and obsessing over a new girl. Clearly there was something going on between S and her friend, the one who got so angry when we started dating. S also admitted to dating this other girl but left out timing details. AND... the day we first met (a month before our official meeting) at Pride, she was there with her ex before me, claiming she felt sorry for the ex because ex didn't really have anyone in this city. LC hit the nail so dead on the head, it alarmed me that perhaps she knew something about S that I didn't know. I had to ask about it and this was LC's response:
"I knew exactly what you were talking about right when you said "s kicked me in the emotional nuts" because I have experienced that before with someone and when you have been emotionally abused by someone you usually can recognize right away in other relationships. Honestly, I recognized what was going on in your relationship at the 80's party. And in all reality, don't take this the wrong way, but I had a feeling sometime soon you would finally be done with it. When I started dating the guy who did that to me I was so confident about myself, knew where I was going in life and didn't take BS from anyone and somehow he broke me down so bad that it took me a long time to recover from it after we broke up...He was such a good manipulator that often times he twisted things so bad to the point that I felt like everything was my fault and I was the one to blame. I remember when I would confide in my sister about our fights and things he said she was dumbfounded that I believed what he was saying to me...She kept having to snap me out of it by reminding me of certain scenarios that proved that those things weren't true...it was crazy how things can mess with your mind by how they are said by manipulators. When it all ended all I could think about is how in the hell did I not see it coming or how did he get to me like that? I felt like I lost myself and in the end I had no identity...it was creepy how it all happened and I wasn't recognizing it while it was happening. Or I guess I should say that I was recognizing it, but it was so subtle that I didn't recogzie it to it's full potential of what it really was."
Needless to say, it was too much for S to be with me. I was, as I may have said in a previous post, a constant reminder of the work she needed to do. I was the mirror she didn't want to look into. I wasn't like the easy button from the commercial. I challenged her, and she didn't like that. I was the partner she wanted but didn't feel she deserved. She was scared of the reality, the truths I brought to her life. I get it -- I'm a big person... I have a lot to offer. And if you don't feel good about yourself, it can be painful to be with a wonderful person.
I was looking back at some of our old emails... the sweetness, the sincerity. I WAS kind to her, but I had so much doubt about myself at that time. It was like walking on egg shells... I was constantly worried about what I was saying, doing, feeling, thinking... and if it was going to anger her or hurt her or throw her into some kind of tailspin. I've never been so self-conscious about those things around anyone.
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