F**K Thinking!

I find myself a little numb. Okay, so a lot numb. Here's the latest kick while I'm down:

(an email I sent to a friend late last night)

I think something might be going on with S and another girl. I don't know what to do... The girl... the STRAIGHT girl who is friends with our friends, the one who does burlesque, the one who is pretty much S's dream girl in so many ways... S wanted to set this girl up with her older brother because "she's super cute and fun..." Uh huh, yeah. Well, S had a curious text message in her outbox the other day (and yes, I've lowered myself to checking her phone-- I think she does the same to mine, sadly... and yes, I can hear you saying the trust is gone, the trust is gone, there's nothing left when the trust is gone.) The text to this girl, C, read "I hear I have some competition" WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??? Am I crazy to read into it? S has gone to two of C's burlesque shows... both of which I asked her not to attend. Then I noticed a couple days ago that there were a lot of hits on C's myspace page by S. The alarm being there weren't hits on other people's pages. I noticed the same thing today in our browser history... the only profile visited was C's. I know S's password (I know! I know!) so I logged on. There was a message in her inbox from C, it read: Subject: S, Body: Hi, Squire. The Squire is a dingy bar here in town... one of S's favorite hangouts. Yes, it gets worse... or I guess I get worse. I check her T-Mobile bill... several text messages to and from C today... and several on the 9th as well, while I was at the haircutting class at the salon, the night of the BIG fight.

I couldn't handle waiting for a response from my friend, but my actions were what she advised anyway. I asked S straight to her face when she got home if something was going on between her and C. I told her I just needed an honest answer... that I was adult enough to handle the truth... that I'd rather deal with it than find out later and be even more devastated. S claimed that there was nothing going on. She said she's just been feeling the need for more friends, to get to know some of her acquaintances better in hopes that maybe she could dig up a good friend amongst them. She cried. She said she'd never try to hurt me. (Kind of a ridiculous thing to say if you ask me-- never TRY to hurt me... okay... whatever that means... I mean, I would hope you wouldn't try.) I believed her. Half-hearted. There was just something a little too intimate about S texting only C and me on Monday night. There were no other numbers called or texted that entire evening. Just chunk of texts to and from me. Then S leaves after we fight and a chunk of texts to and from C... then another bunch to and from me... then several more to and from C. What were they exchanging? What could S possibly have to say at that time... when she was so upset that she "felt lost" and sad?

I feel sick right now.

I can't believe I'm going through this AGAIN! This fucking bullshit! I don't deserve this. Nobody deserves this. Am I setting myself up to look like a doormat by staying here any more?

So today after work, S is sober, and I need to ask again. I'm not buying her answer from the night before, and I'm feeling more confident about asking her due to my friend's advice to definitely confront but to approach with caution and love. Okay, will do.

S has decided, after another talk (and anxiety attack had by yours truly), to join her family on their weekend camping trip. And instead of leaving tomorrow, she's going to leave tonight for a little extra time to think some things through. We agree time apart, though frightening to me at this point, is probably in order. S had just got out of the shower, and I approach her. With love... approach with love, I remind myself. I ask her again about C. Is there something going on? "No." Do you have feelings for her? (I wince) She nods "Yeah, I think so." Do our friends know about this? DOES SHE KNOW??? No and no.

(paraphrasing)
S: But nothing has happened and it's not like anything will...
e: why do you say it like that?
S: well, to start with she's not gay...
(WHAT??????? THE FUCK!!!)
e: SO! what if she wasn't? you're saying something would happen if she was gay?!
S: no. I don't know! I'm confused. I'm just trying to be honest with you. (starts to cry) I'm not trying to hurt you.

Then she goes on about being confused. I assure her her honesty is appreciated. S expresses that these are just thoughts and feelings, nothing has surfaced... no actions taken. None of our friends know about this.

Still I reach out to her. I take her hands in mine, look in her eyes, and comfort her. I tell her I understand. We're all human... we have feelings we cannot control. I express that we couldn't be together for the rest of our lives and never have an attraction towards another person. It would be an unrealistic expectation. I thank her for her honesty again.

Truly, I'm devastated. My heart has been ripped from my chest, thrown across the room, shattered a sliding glass door, flung over a twenty story balcony, splattered on the pavement, smashed by the tire from an 18 wheeler, picked at by stray dogs and shat out near a dumpster.

She's off "thinking". And what am I doing? What am I doing to myself? Is this something to be mended?