Raw.

I can hardly see through the tears, which is a change from yesterday. Yesterday I was dry. No tears... probably just numb from all of this.

S found my blog. She could be reading these very words, but I still need my place, a place where I can put my thoughts into words... write them out. I've always been the kind who needs to express themselves, and I always will. This is my safe place. This is where my private thoughts can safely be revealed to the universe. I'm a processor--I need to talk. S is more private. I've always respected that. For many months, I've kept all of these things with me--in fact, the other night was the first time I've talked to anyone about our troubles... in my most desperate of moments I had to reach out. It was too much to blog about; it was too much to deal with alone. She's expressed that she prefers we don't share the problems of our relationship with family and friends. At least, that's what I took from what she said to me... and maybe that's not exactly what she meant, but to be cautious, this is the route I took. This is the safest place for me to vent my raw emotions during some of the toughest times. I realize it's not always pretty, but these last several months have been painful... painful for both S and me.

So I will continue to write, to carry on this dialogue with myself... because that's really what this is about. It's about having an outlet, which isn't to say I don't appreciate the comforting words of the two or three people who know about this place... a friend who I've never met and friends I probably won't ever see again due to distance and circumstances but whose hearts and words I've always cherished. You know me, and in knowing me, you realize that S is a good person. She must be for me to have her in my life, for me to have been with her for so long, and for my continued fight to be with her.

S is gone. I don't know where she is. She said she's staying with her best friend, B. I believe her. I don't believe she is a malicious person, but she's confused. I'm not sure what she's so confused about... about if we should be together? about her feelings for me? about her feelings for C and if they're a product of pain from our relationship? about what she truly wants in life? I wish I had the answers for her. I wish I could help her, because I hate this. I hate this pain, both of our pain. The reality is I can't make the decision for us both. I can't make her love me. I can't make her want me.

leave [leev] verb, 1. to let (a person or animal) remain in a position to do something without interference: We left him to his work.

My sister is right only because I do need to let S remain without interference. Not because I don't want her or because I don't want this relationship... because I do! There's nothing I want more than to be with S and for both of us to be completely content together. I think it's on a deeper level that I'm looking at what my sister says... I'm holding too tightly to this relationship. I need to step back. I need to regain my self-worth, so in a metaphoric/poetic way that is like "leaving" S... only not so much that I'm going to pack my things and go... or that I need to break things off... but more that I need to "let it be", let S be.

This whole emotional rollercoaster has been painful for both myself and S. I realize we've both said very hurtful things but looking back on what I've processed here, I can't help but come to a conclusion about my true intentions, my true intentions being my actions, the thread running through all of this, and that is I'm Still Here!

I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE!!! I don't feel her love anymore, so what am I to do? I've been desperate to feel it... I've done stupid things and said stupid things to get her to show me, to somehow uncover that look in S's eyes. It's just not there.

That's what it is. THAT is what I long for... I long for her love and admiration. I long for her undying passion towards me. I long for the way she used to look at me, touch me, hold me, and I'm wrecked because I don't have it. I haven't had it.

I appreciate her cooking, her cleaning, her taking care of the dog, her generosity, her efforts at making this life for both of us comfortable. I can't even express how much I appreciate all of those things. And there's no "but" in the sense of contradicting that "but" usually brings... BUT! What I really want above all else is her LOVE. Those moments when we laugh together, smile together have been few lately, but those are the moments I live for... the moments that get me through days of pain.

I imagine it's the same for her. I imagine she's frustrated with all of the pain this has brought to her life. I've asked a lot of her. I've asked from her things that have overshadowed the one and only thing I truly desire... her heart.

I've made things more difficult by asking for so much. It shouldn't be so difficult. I still believe we could use some counseling together, but I've clearly done my share at making our daily lives more difficult than they needed to be. I can see that now. I can see the simplicity from where she stands.

It's true that I cannot make her love me if she has in fact stopped. I should have never been so focused on such a thing... having her love me. I should have focused more on loving myself and loving her. I should have focused more on GIVING love than receiving it.

I wonder if I'll have the chance to do that for her, to stop acting out of pain (such as my previous entry because I do NOT want us to be over)... and instead start acting out of love.

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Always the hopeless romantic, I leave with words from a movie: "I know I screwed it up, but I will love you forever."