The words that likely will not be sent...

Dear S,

I hope you can understand why I'm pushing you away. The place I'm coming from is of deep pain and loss...


I can't do this, I can't do this. I miss her so much. Even through the fighting and pain, I still want her with me. I still want her in my life, to give my love to, my heart to. This pain is huge, it's bigger than I could have ever imagined. And I'm not sure if it's because she's moved on so quickly, because I feel replaced, because I feel like the love we shared has been tossed aside so easily. I want to finish this letter to her, to tell her how I feel, to let her know how deeply I feel the loss of her (and now our dog and our home and this life we shared), to share my vulnerability... and in some fucked up way it's because I want her to know just how much I loved her, how far my care and concern went for her. And then I realize I already sent her a letter, I've already shared my feelings with her a hundred times and always got the same response -- very little. But there were times when she opened up to me, when I saw her true heart. I know I'm more of a talker, i need that... i openly talk about my feelings and not everyone in the world is like me, and that should be okay with me. she's like that, she doesn't like talking about feelings. Every time I hear a Harley outside, my heart leaps... it must be her coming back. Every time I hear the elevator open at my floor, my heart leaps... it must be her coming back. Every time I hear the honk of a jeep car alarm, my heart leaps... it must be her coming back. She came back from hanging out with friends, going for a ride on her bike, needing time away after a fight... she used to always come back. This was her home... I was her partner, and she came back to me. But there's no sound of her key in the door. I sit alone in this empty apartment, not waiting for her but living, existing here, moving through my life.

I had a moment earlier this evening, after I came home from work. I was sitting at the computer with a text book in my lap, taking online cosmetology tests. A warm breeze was blowing in the open window, the cars and skateboards zoomed by on the streets below. Songs that I couldn't quite make out hummed from the radio in the other room. And I could feel it, I could feel the peace. This is the feeling I should have had living here all along, with her, with our dog, in our life together. The peace I was feeling was the moment. I was living in that exact moment, not waiting for her to come home, not preparing myself for the fight we'd probably have when she walked in the door, not protecting myself from heartbreak... THIS was how I should have felt all those months. I wasn't looking at my phone every 5 minutes to see if I missed a phantom call or text. I was focused on myself, my text, what I was doing, what it meant to be taking these tests... to advance my life, my career, my dreams, my GOALS! I have goals, but I forgot all about them. I hadn't been focused on bettering me... only on bettering my relationship with S.

I had another moment the other night. I met a friend out, and he introduced me to some of his friends... good people... great people! These are the kind of people that have been missing in my life. These are the kind of people i need to be around, and I was myself. I was cute and charming and funny and interesting... not just a drunken ball of energy that so many of my "friends" here think I am. I'm talking about the group of lesbians that called themselves my friends, that I called my friends. The truth is they didn't know me, and mostly because I never let them know me. It was probably a two-way street... I showed them one side, one small percentage of who I could be, and that was the only aspect they had any interest in knowing. When it came down to the tough times, to the heartbreaking moments, where were they? Nowhere to be found. I have no doubt that those girls are good people. They're always a good time if that's what you're after. My point being I'm beginning to carve out a little niche here for myself. I'm busy working... I go to school... I'm planning on applying for a second job to supplement my income... I'm looking at getting a dog that better suits my personality (but might wait on it for a little while, until I'm settled into my new home)... I'm getting a membership at a gym (first time EVER!) with a friend from work... I HaVE a friend at work now--maybe even a couple friends (can you believe it?!)... I made the greatest friend ever in a Buddhist Israeli man who has lived a more interesting, exciting life than any man should ever be allowed to live (well, kind of)... I have a few dear friends who have not let me down in their unwavering support during this mess of a breakup (thank you, p and h and smw and whomever else is here reading this).

I have chosen life. I have a lot to offer this world, to offer to my friends and family and maybe even someday a lover. I think I like best what my sister said today "I have faith that there is someone out there for me and it'll be amazing. If we never meet, I'll wait... for my next lifetime... or something." And also what my new-found friend and lover from years ago said, "not to puff up your ego, but you're quite a catch". Dammit, she's right. I AM!